This is going to be a tough one. I told myself at the start of this post, maybe it's time to say it. But then I wondered if it was necessary. I wondered, *I wonder*, is it too much to talk about? Is it too much to reveal, to pull back the curtains on it? I am even questioning it as I type this. But, I hope I'll keep going.
In honesty, I started this blog as a place to create more content for my jewelry brand. Period. I wanted growth. As it developed, I discovered I was digging deeper, I was relearning my love of writing, my love of looking to people who are wiser, and putting their enlightenment out there for not only myself to learn from, but for other people too. I found I started looking at how I lived, how I went about my day-to-day, how I viewed the world, and how I viewed myself.
It bought me to consider the selfie game. I recently heard a speaker referencing the selfie, and, rightfully-so, equated it to an extreme narcissistic practice. I see his point. In some instances, in A Lot of instances, I agree. Do you know how many pictures I took just to try and get some I thought worthy of sharing? I kept the crappy ones just to give an honest reveal, that its not easy; people don't particularly choose to show their ugly side, for obvious reasons.
For me its different. Don't get me wrong, sometimes, I feel pretty. Sometimes its just a cute outfit, or a good hair day and I succumb to the selfie (#guilty). Sometimes, its more; sometimes, I feel like I am good enough. Good enough for the people I'm in front of on the daily, good enough for my family, good enough for my boyfriend, good enough for the girls around, or good enough for anyone else I pass. And I want to capture that. As a reminder to myself. For those days when I don't feel good enough, for when the doubt creeps in, for when I question why I am the way that I am, for when I struggle to accept myself, or for when I want to be better. It helps me to remember, hey, maybe you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, because sometimes, you are good enough.
I tell you this, and I hope you'll take it in stride.
I take pictures because, I grew up, feeling compared. (Don't we all? *cough*cough* get over it, Rach, right?) I felt unacknowledged for things that I cared about. This is not to say it came from my parents, so do not take that and run with it. I just mean in life, everywhere. In school, in social settings, in sports, you name it. I remember direct comparisons from people who had no idea what they were doing to my confidence, to my mental strength. They're some of my clearest memories. I was never bitter, nor am I now. I am by no means trying to make that the point. Growing up, that can mess with you a little.
Maybe I was too sensitive. Probably. Who knows. But thats who I was as a kid. Unfortunately, sometimes one thing will overpower another. I gave other people control over me, because I felt they were probably right, or that they likely deserved whatever it was, over me. I took the back seat. My insecurity grew roots in every aspect of my life.
I take pictures of myself because, now, I am good enough. I'm good enough to get past abusive relationships where I was put down and degraded, where I was controlled, and isolated, and blind to what was happening. I'm better than being kicked out of a house and crawling back, I'm better than being told I am replaceable, and I am better than having to walk on eggshells, carry myself differently, or pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm better than silencing my voice, and trying to please everyone. Its amazing how those kinds of things can linger. Even when they're long gone and I've learned that I am more powerful than that. That no one should ever be treated like that, sometimes those negative experiences can creep back in. Sometimes I can start to feel, not pretty enough, not fit enough, not smart enough nor driven enough. I have to aggressively push those feelings away from myself, ban them from my brain.
I'm wise enough to look back at where I've come from and how I've developed as a person because of all of those things. I may not like it and it may not be easy, but I can't change it, I have grown into who I am because of it. That is why I take selfies.